adoption

In honor of the ASPCA's Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, it's high time to address some of the hardest pups to place out there . . . the older dog in a shelter. Stuck with stigmas of "reject," "difficult," or worse, they often get overlooked for the fresh starts of playful puppies. Well, as someone who's raised a few pets from lil ones, it's not all fun and fluff.

Before you head straight for the babes, check out five solid reasons to start with the big guys:

• Break-ins — Potty training is no joke, especially for newbies. When you get a dog at an older age, especially one who has spent time in a foster home, much of the most difficult part is already done. Starting with an already housebroken, or almost housebroken, pet is easier than starting from scratch.
• Miracle grown — It would be quite the shock to adopt what you expect to be a small pooch and end up with someone more akin to a St. Bernard. If you get a dog as an adult, you know that your teensy pooch is not gonna become large and in charge in a few months.

Get the rest and read more

Many Circle of Moms members know what it's like to sign on to Facebook and try to "friend" your teen, only to have your request shot down. But when your teen is adopted, as a recent article in the New York Times reveals, there's now an entirely different kind of online mother-child connection to worry about: birth moms who track down their adopted teens and try to reconnect with them through Facebook or MySpace.

As you might expect, adoptive moms are far from thrilled by the phenomenon. Circle of Moms member Felicita E., whose adopted daughter was contacted by her birth mother through MySpace, writes angrily that "I don't care that she is the birth mother. I am this child's mother." And many other adoptive moms say they are concerned that the walls designed to protect adopted children are being so casually torn down by the Internet. With so many kids online at an age when they are vulnerable and still developing their own identities, making the accidental discovery of a birth mother can be very detrimental.

Some of the greatest concerns are voiced by moms who have not told their children they were adopted. As Joan O. describes, it puts families like hers in a precious situation. She went through a lengthy legal adoption process, during which her daughter's birth mother was given more than five years to reunite with the child she relinquished, but gave up those rights in court. Joan O. says, "Now, I find the birth mom has a Facebook page and a page on MySpace designated to ‘her family/her children,' complete with a picture that I sent to her after their final visit. These pages are open to the public of course. I have alerted the social workers and I know that there is not a lot I can do. I won't be sending any more pictures and luckily I am not obligated to [do] that. I know that my daughter still talks about re-connecting with her birth mother when she is 18, but this opens up possibilities that chill me to the bone."

Should Adoptive Parents Prevent Connection?

Many Circle of Moms members say that allowing a birth mom to reconnect with your adopted child is a personal decision, specific to each family's circumstances, and advise closely monitoring your child's online social network. But the dilemma often extends far beyond the world of the Internet, to questions about when and whether to allow visitation of any kind.

"I think you need to have some background on the birth mom before you make this decision," says Kirstie S. "My daughter is adopted and my son is a foster/adopt, still going through court. We don't hide the situation from them but once the court-required visitation stopped, we would not allow them to see the birth mom. In our case there was a reason they were removed, so we don't want to subject them to anything or anyone that could cause harm. I would highly recommend getting some background first to know if [the birth mom] is going to be a risk to your child. Also, depending on what she may say, [be aware that contact] could cause confusion that you need to be prepared to deal with after the fact. If my kids want to find their birth mom later in life I'll help them, hoping that her life has changed, but for now and for my kids, it's better not to see her. "

Many adoptive moms are afraid that helping their adopted children connect with their birth moms will confuse their children. "My daughter is two-and-a-half years [old] and we adopted her from an agency and had no knowledge of the birth parents," says Catherine G. "During the process visitation was not discussed; however now the birth mother is requesting a visit. I have many concerns and my husband is against it until she gets older and wants to decide on her own if she wants to."

What Do Birth Moms Think?

At least one Circle of Moms member weighs in from the birth mom's perspective, agreeing, as most adoptive moms do, that the the child's emotional well-being is the most important factor to consider before undertaking any kind of reunion. "I'm a birth mom who has an open adoption with weekly e-mails and pictures," says Erica S. "I asked about a month ago if I could post a couple of the pictures of our daughter on my Facebook page (which is private). I asked because I kind of felt like those pictures were their property and didn't want to use them without permission. They told me no, they were not comfortable with that. It hurt like hell, I'm not going to lie, but I understand their point of view and will respect their wishes."

If a birth mom keeps knocking at your child's door, whether in person or online, adoptive mom Renee H. suggests that a good way to handle the request for connection would be to ask her to meet or friend you, first. As she puts it, "See what her intentions are and get a feel for her. Ask why all of a sudden she wants a visit. You have to be careful...it [could] just confuse your daughter to meet her 'real' mother when she thinks of you as her ‘real' mother. Honestly, I would wait on the visits or connecting them until your child is old enough to make that decision on her own. You [yourself] can still stay in contact with the birth mother [in the meantime] if you want letters and pictures."

Image Source: Passive Income Dream.com via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Even the tax preparer couldn't believe the Ward family was receiving a $54,000 refund and had to check it 10 to 15 times. The couple is receiving the huge sum of money because of the federal adoption tax credit, which came into effect this year.

Since the Ward family adopted five new kids, they are able to cash in on a tax credit of up to $13,170 per child. Although this tax credit was available since 1997, this year is the first time it is refundable. Some things you need to know about the adoption credit:

• You're entitled to the full amount if you adopt a special-needs child.
• This is a one-time tax credit.
• The IRS says it requires a lot of documentation to receive this tax benefit, so don't try to pull one over on Uncle Sam and attempt to cash in on it if you don't qualify!

Did you have any bonus tax credits this year?

Although the U.S. Census Bureau estimates that nearly 2 million children under the age of 18 currently living in the United States are adopted, the issue of how parents tell their chosen children about their origins remains a deeply personal one.

While child psychologists and psychiatrists don’t all agree on what age is the most appropriate for informing a child, there does seem to be a consensus that it’s always best when this conversation is initiated by the adults.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children should “learn of their adoption from the adoptive parents.” This, the Academy states, forms a basis for trust and sends a positive message about adoption.

That’s a piece of wisdom that many adoptive moms in Circle of Moms’ Mothers of Adopted Kids community agree on. Andrea G. wrote that “keeping things a secret might feel like a betrayal, or something you were ashamed of when they (the adopted child) finally found out they were adopted.”

Danie B. says that the biggest mistake an adoptive parent can make is not talking about a child’s adoption from the very beginning of life . She’s told each of her children their adoption story because she “can’t rob them of the truth about their birth.”

And Tonya T., who learned at age 13 that she was adopted, made sure not to repeat this mistake with her own son, adopted from Russian at the age of six months. She told him about his adoption when he was very young. As she explains, “I had kids telling me I was adopted,” and was angry with her adoptive mother because the silence made her wonder what other things she hadn’t been told.

According to the Academy, this is a very common response. “If the child first learns about the adoption intentionally or accidentally from someone other than parents, the child may feel anger and mistrust toward the parents.”

Tina R. echoes this idea: “If she finds out from someone else or finds out as a teenager she will definitely resent you.”

Meghan O. said she’s seen this happen. She herself is an adoptee, but was told early on. “I always knew I was adopted, it was just something that was accepted as daily life,” she writes.

Not so for some of her friends, who did not discover their biological identities until their teen years.

“Some of my friends didn’t know until later in life, and let me tell you, kids always find out in the teen years if they’ve never been told before. Not good. Teen are going through all kinds of hormonal imbalances and identity crises. Finding out they were adopted throws them into a more violent identity crisis.”

She believes this propels the newly-informed teen to do the one thing adoptive parents fear the most: Reject them and seek out the biological parent.

While honesty does rule, timing is also important, says Gina A.: “I feel a child ALWAYS has the right to know the truth and their history. There is a way to do it and the right timing is everything.”

The Academy advises adoptive parents to consider the maturity level and personality of their child. For some children, sharing adoption information too early can cause confusion. For others, giving only simple answers in the beginning provides a basis for filling in the blanks with more specific information as the child grows up.

Often, the adoptive parent’s viewpoint molds the child’s. With this in mind, one adoptive mom, Kim, even sought professional advice before telling her daughter about being adopted: “The counselor I talked with said that the way the child accepts the adoption story is in direct relation to how the parent talks about it. If the parent is very emotional, it can be traumatic for the child. So, we talk with our daughter in very matter of fact voices and talk about her life prior to us just like it is normal – which in her life, it is.”

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.